OK I think I am properly freaking out for the first time since I arrived here. I am leaving Sydney in ten days and there is so much going around in my head I kind of want to either run or curl up and cry for a while. So... I thought I would just voice them here as a kind of therapy.
In no particular order of what is scaring me the most-
1- I am leaving everything again- my flat, a lot of my friends, my job and generally the life I have built here. Everything that I did and the structure I built when I got here- things that made me feel safe, happy and secure- I am leaving behind. My housemates are going to be hard to leave- we have all been here for each other when we have each had our ups and downs and general bad days. Even when I have had the worst day ever I would come back and eventually feel better and laugh about it because we would either have a few bevvies or chat about something stupid. So they will be difficult to leave.
2- I have to hand my notice in on Monday- I'm going there early so I can hopefully catch my manager and mentor when there arnt many people around. By the sounds of it- from what I have heard and seen I think they just walk you out of the building there and then. I would be fine with that as the job has devoured me anyway but I just hate having to hand my notice in. I like the people I work with its just not what I want to do anymore.
3- There is so much to sort out before I go- I need to ditch my suitcase and get a backpack sorted that isn't going to break the bank as I will have no income for the first time since I was about 15. That's freaking scary enough as it is.
4- I just had to get rid of way over half of my wardrobe- its wayyy to expensive to send back home and I feel a little of my identity has gone with it. I now own the basics which in a way is liberating and I am sure I will feel that soon but for now it feels like I have been robbed.
5- I will miss my flat in general- true its got bed bugs, a faulty fridge and broken blinds but I made that my new home- its so close to everything and I will miss the comfy feeling I get here.
6- I have been fortunate/ unfortunate to have had someone in my life recently and although we are just friends, if I miss him after two days of not seeing him already I am worried that 4 months may hurt more than I would like it to.
There is probably more than that but that's only the thoughts I can make out at the moment. OK so six issues there, I shall counteract them with six things that I am happy about/ grateful for/ excited about.
1- I am about to go on the best adventure ever- 5 weeks with my friends in a camper van only taking the stuff we can fit in a rucksack- loads of activities like surf lessons, Australia zoo, sailing around the Whitsundays, scooteroo! I have missed the girls so much and I can't wait to see them again.
2- I have family and friends that are so supportive and proud of me actually doing things that scare me and just living life.
3- I had such a nice skype date with Miss Marple earlier. I have missed her face so much and it was like I was in the room with her- even though we haven't spoken properly in a while nothing was awkward or difficult. Our confusing love spans the globe!
4- I had such a nice day- I not only spoke to the Marple but I listened and sung along to some of the best musical tunes of all time until I decided to get in the shower, go shopping, do some cleaning and make some cheese and herb scones! Ideal Saturday.
5- For the first time ever I don't have a proper plan- I don't know what il be doing when the 5 weeks are up- hopefully finding some farm work so I can get my second year or I may go to New Zealand or Asia or Fiji or wherever- the world is my freaking Oyster. If I want to go home I can, if I want to go to anywhere in the freaking world- I am only a plane journey away.
6- I know when I do come home I will be able to arrive to some amazing friends and well the best family I could ask for, also I will get to meet the new addition to my family for the first time!
Well I hope I didnt freak out any of my readers here- I just needed to vent. I am having a chilled out one tonight and will feel better in the morning I am sure of it.
Ok- love you all x
