ah decision time

So- I have been in Australia for just over eight months now and the time to leave is looming- I have to be out of the country by the 18th August.

The thing is, I don't think I'm ready to leave yet and I am torn as to what to do about it. I have a couple of options- none of which I really like. The first one is that I go back to my old company an get sponsored, sponsorships are meant to last for four years which kind of freaks me out because then the time I will get back to England I will be 28. On the other hand if I work here for like 2 years then I think I can apply for Permanent Residency which would be better.

The other option is that I wait out my current job for a while and hope and pray that sponsorship comes along but in all honesty I think the likelyhood there is pretty low.

I guess then its down to the reasons why I want to stay here, well to be honest theres a couple of reasons but none of them are particularly stable. So in no particular order;

1- I've met an Australian guy- I have been seeing him for the past 7 months and we kind of just date- we go out for dinner alot but were not in a 'relationship' because well basically those words freak him out. He's a very complex creature but I have fallen head over heels and I can't stand the thought of leaving him.

2- Overall I like my life here- Sydney is like a second home and I feel safe and comfortable- I have a great group of friends and I meet new people everyday. The downside to that I guess I don't know how long they will be around for and if I take my old job back I will have to move into an apartment and I wont be meeting new people everyday...hmm.

3- Im trying to make this more about me by going out and having more of a life outside work infact im looking to start Roller Derby classes and I go out with the girls a few times a week for manicures and a few beers (or cocktails if were feeling posh).

I think in an ideal world I'd like to come home for a few weeks, so I can see my beautiful neices and my amazing family and friends (who by the way are totally kick ass and I know will support me either way I decide). And then I want to come back- what I hate is the fact that if I come back to Australia I cant change my mind- if everything goes wrong and in another 8 months I find myself in a flat, on my own because my friends have gone. My guy isnt interested in me (or things still continue at this snails pace) and i hate my job all I will want to do is fly back to the Court Farm Inn and have a big ol' bottle of wine with Marple.. and maybe some chips... with mayonnaise.

I think another thing Im scared about is that if I come home I wont have a job- if i manage to find one in devon I may hate it and then im left either living with the rents or on my own somewhere.. most of my friends arnt around anyway and im sat there wondering what could have been if only I had the bottle to stay in australia.

Ok so- writing this is helping I think- so if I go back to England I have to basically start all over again in terms of work and a social life- and I have that here already. Not many people like their job- and i can pay my way out if i massively hate it after 2 years and then i should be able to apply for residency or citizenship. Its like uni- i didnt go to uni for the degree because i wanted to go to drama school, I went for the life experience and i freaking loved it. Maybe thats what Im doing here- apart from instead of lectures I have work and instead of being poor i will be making decent money.

this is a horrible and freaking scary decision to make and im freaking out and have been unable to sleep until around 5am which is an issue. I need to make this decision very soon.

Will keep you updated I guess.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

OK I think I am properly freaking out for the first time since I arrived here. I am leaving Sydney in ten days and there is so much going around in my head I kind of want to either run or curl up and cry for a while. So... I thought I would just voice them here as a kind of therapy.

In no particular order of what is scaring me the most-

1- I am leaving everything again- my flat, a lot of my friends, my job and generally the life I have built here. Everything that I did and the structure I built when I got here- things that made me feel safe, happy and secure- I am leaving behind. My housemates are going to be hard to leave- we have all been here for each other when we have each had our ups and downs and general bad days. Even when I have had the worst day ever I would come back and eventually feel better and laugh about it because we would either have a few bevvies or chat about something stupid. So they will be difficult to leave.

2- I have to hand my notice in on Monday- I'm going there early so I can hopefully catch my manager and mentor when there arnt many people around. By the sounds of it- from what I have heard and seen I think they just walk you out of the building there and then. I would be fine with that as the job has devoured me anyway but I just hate having to hand my notice in. I like the people I work with its just not what I want to do anymore.

3- There is so much to sort out before I go- I need to ditch my suitcase and get a backpack sorted that isn't going to break the bank as I will have no income for the first time since I was about 15. That's freaking scary enough as it is.

4- I just had to get rid of way over half of my wardrobe- its wayyy to expensive to send back home and I feel a little of my identity has gone with it. I now own the basics which in a way is liberating and I am sure I will feel that soon but for now it feels like I have been robbed.

5- I will miss my flat in general- true its got bed bugs, a faulty fridge and broken blinds but I made that my new home- its so close to everything and I will miss the comfy feeling I get here.

6- I have been fortunate/ unfortunate to have had someone in my life recently and although we are just friends, if I miss him after two days of not seeing him already I am worried that 4  months may hurt more than I would like it to.

There is probably more than that but that's only the thoughts I can make out at the moment. OK so six issues there, I shall counteract them with six things that I am happy about/ grateful for/ excited about.

1- I am about to go on the best adventure ever- 5 weeks with my friends in a camper van only taking the stuff we can fit in a rucksack- loads of activities like surf lessons, Australia zoo, sailing around the Whitsundays, scooteroo! I have missed the girls so much and I can't wait to see them again.

2- I have family and friends that are so supportive and proud of me actually doing things that scare me and just living life.

3- I had such a nice skype date with Miss Marple earlier. I have missed her face so much and it was like I was in the room with her- even though we haven't spoken properly in a while nothing was awkward or difficult. Our confusing love spans the globe!

4- I had such a nice day- I not only spoke to the Marple but I listened and sung along to some of the best musical tunes of all time until I decided to get in the shower, go shopping, do some cleaning and make some cheese and herb scones! Ideal Saturday.

5- For the first time ever I don't have a proper plan- I don't know what il be doing when the 5 weeks are up- hopefully finding some farm work so I can get my second year or I may go to New Zealand or Asia or Fiji or wherever- the world is my freaking Oyster. If I want to go home I can, if I want to go to anywhere in the freaking world- I am only a plane journey away.

6- I know when I do come home I will be able to arrive to some amazing friends and well the best family I could ask for, also I will get to meet the new addition to my family for the first time!

Well I hope I didnt freak out any of my readers here- I just needed to vent. I am having a chilled out one tonight and will feel better in the morning I am sure of it.

Ok- love you all x